i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
