Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
