Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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