He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
