when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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