Got a toothbrush?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
