Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
