why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
