Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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