I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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