Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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