You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You need Xanax blowdarts
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
