Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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