don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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