So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm at about main and main street
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize