Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
