Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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