I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
