tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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