I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
