dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
