FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
