I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
