Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
