My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
