I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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