I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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