my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
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