i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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