He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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