You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
