be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
