i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
