yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
