Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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