my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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