Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
