U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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