I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize