My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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