What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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