There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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