I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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