Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
