The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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