how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
