My friends, they love my intelligence
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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