Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
