The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish you could order shots online.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Randomize
