remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
