I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
