I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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