If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
