I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
