I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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