They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
