Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
