I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
