Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Welp...herpes.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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