You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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