I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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