sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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