My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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