apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
