did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
