I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
