Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
