He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
