I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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